Pausing for Six Months

Working With Pain

I started a new job two months ago. I love it. They seem to be happy with me, too. I've done well on the assignments I've been given so far, and I feel I've already contributed to the team.

And now my bitchy friend Endo is threatening to rear her ugly head. Here's the thing: no one will ever be able to convince me that my Endo didn't play a part in me losing my last job. It's ridiculous, I know. The company laid off 5% of its staff the day I got laid off. They eliminated my position, meaning they can't hire someone to replace me. They merely decided the position was no longer needed.

But what part did my illness play in that? I was on medical leave for three months. During that time, didn't I show them that they could get by without my help? Didn't I prove that my position wasn't needed?

I guess I don't fully believe it, because I didn't take any legal recourse. I signed separation papers to the effect that I didn't hold them liable for any bias in my termination. But how could they not be biased?

I started having pain in November, and I was out for one week. We thought it was stomach flu, and I stayed home. Then a few weeks later, it was clear that it was not flu, and the ER doc gave me a prescription for Vicodin to help me manage the pain. I needed the Vicodin for 4 and a half more months. In January, I tried to work through the pain. I worked from home a lot, or had to leave in the late afternoon so I could go home and take a Vicodin. In early February, I followed the advice of my doctor (who believed at the time that my body was just stressed-- see here) and was going to take a week of sick leave. Work told me I needed to go on short-term disability. I know a lot more now than I did then, so I don't know if I would have given in as easily as I did. But I also know that for the next few months, my job was to get better. And I was lucky to have a paycheck while I got better. But work had to go on without me, and figure out a way to do that. When they successfully managed that, it wasn't too hard to figure out whose job to cut at the time of lay-offs.

And on my end, even though I was getting paid, money was still extremely stressful. I wasn't getting my full paycheck, because I couldn't get approved for official short-term disability. I didn't yet have an actual diagnosis, so I was on voluntary medical leave, which provided only 60% or so of my salary. I ended up getting back pay when my diagnosis finally came through, but the interim was very stressful.

Anyway, my lap happened, I was diagnosed, and the pain went away. Yippee! I called work with a Return to Work date, and was very excited to get back to it. I was worried my mind was turning to mush, that I was only identifiable through physical problems, and that my business skills were lacking. I couldn't wait to get back to working.

And a week later, they laid me off. Ouch. My scars were still wounds! I wasn't even due back to work until the next week. Legally, they could lay me off while I was on leave, because the CA Notification period extended past my Return to Work date. Personally, it sucked.

So fast forward, and I found a job (paying more!) two weeks later. I had two more weeks off, and started at the job June 8. I had no pain, vastly improved energy, and a new, positive outlook on life. I was so grateful for everything. I AM so grateful for everything.

But just two months later, I'm having pain and fatigue again. The fatigue is what is so depressing, oddly enough. I hate the pain, and all that it keeps me from doing. But the fatigue seems unfair. I'm in pain-- do I really need to be exhausted, too?

And here's the thing about this new, better-paying job: I love it. I absolutely love it. It's a great fit, culturally, personally, and professionally. I am working on really fun projects, have a great boss, and am making friends in the office.

So if Endo gets in the way of all of that.... I don't know. I don't want anyone at work to know the pain and suffering I have going on. I don't want to be known as the sick girl. Or worse, as the girl who takes sick days. I want to be well, and do well, and impress my boss and colleagues. I don't want to work through this again. And I definitely don't want to lose any more opportunities because of this.

Labels: endometriosis, fatigue, work

posted by Vander @ 8:51 PM